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You won’t believe how lazy robbers are getting these days.  Some of them don’t even bother using a weapon to hold someone up.  Take today’s dumbass for example – he tried to rob a Pennsylvania internet cafe by threatening to spread a staph infection.  Fred Parker walked into the cafe and claimed he had a serious staph infection that resisted antibiotics. He then threatened to infest the cashier if he didn’t give him money. The cashier refused, and Fred was arrested a short time later. Dude, that’s just lame.

Today’s dumbass shows us a new low on being a Ho.  Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles is accused of offering sexual favors to a McDonald’s customer in exchange for chicken McNuggets.  The man declined the offer and she was arrested for prostitution. You know you’ve reached rock bottom when you will ho yourself out for chunks of chicken.  Wow.

24-year-old Arsenio Garcia of Chicago stepped into the dumbass arena this past weekend.  Arsenio got monkey drunk, then started driving and thought an alley was a through street.  He eventually drove the wrong way down a one-way street and crashed into a police car.  After the crash, he opened the door and fell out of the car, and was only wearing his underwear and socks.  Whoops….forgot about that whole dressing before you drive somewhere concept too.

Another dumbass caught in a disability payment scam.  An Italian man had been collecting government disability checks for 18 years for being “totally blind.” He now is facing fraud charges after he was caught driving a car and a bicyle.  He had wrongly collected over $200,000 for his so-called disability, so he’s got some major payback to take care of.

Just in case you were considering getting a Tattoo on your manhood….perhaps today’s dumbass will change your mind. A 21-year-old Iranian man got a penis tattoo that included his girlfriend’s initials and the phrase “good luck on your journeys”. Now, he has a permanent erection to go along with the ink.  Doctors are taking this opportunity to remind people that penile tattooing is dumb. Not only dumb, but probably extremely painful as well…what a moron.

Stoner Alert: Duuuude….how many times do I have to remind you to NOT take your weed with you when you go to court? Police in Florida arrested Demetrius Nickerson after he threw away his bag of weed in the trash outside the courthouse, then went inside and came back to the trash can to retreive his marijuana. Courthouse security saw Demetrius ditch his pot, and had called police, who were waiting for him when he came back out to get it.

A parent coordinator at Manhattan’s High School in New York forged a death certificate for her daughter so she could get bereavement leave and take a week’s vacation to Costa Rica. Joan Burnett had two of her other daughters call the school, separately, to say their sister had a fatal heart attack in Costa Rica and that the family would be traveling there for the funeral. Officials suspected foul play when they noticed the bogus death certificate had different fonts that weren’t aligned properly. Joan was fired and has pleaded guilty to forgery.

Today’s dumbass shows us what NOT to do if you don’t want a DWI.  A man named Barry in New Hampshire was arrested after he drove past the police while driving a car that had only three tires. Of course the police pulled Barry over immediately and it seems Barry’s blood alcohol level was three times over the legal limit. When questioned, Barry didn’t have any idea how or when he’d lost a tire – or even that it had happened.

Carmen Tisch of Colorado earned her dumbass stripes after a recent trip to a museum.  Carmen went to the Clyfford Still Museum and rubbed her butt against a painting valued at $30 million, which caused 10 grand in damage.  Carmen also tried to pee on the painting, but missed.  It seems that she was drunk at the time.  Really? Who does this, and what the hell was she drinking??

Flying around the holidays can be stressful, but today’s dumbass really needs to travel alone from now on.  A 31-year-old man was arrested on an American Airlines flight last week after he body slammed a 19-year-old woman because she coughed on the plane.  As they were getting off the plane, the dumbass shouted and cussed at the girl, saying that she had infected everyone.  He then slammed her into a wall.  Turns out the man is a severe germaphobe and he was arrested for battery and taken to jail.